|Just some thoughts
||[Jul. 27th, 2006|01:22 am]
~My Holiday Diary~
Though it's still high summer, with everything warm and golden and humid and full of lazy afternoons and busy evenings (except for the general workforce), I'm already thinking ahead to autumn and Christmas. Despite balmy evenings of hazy yellow moon and winking fireflies, where I sit basking in my own heat and wishing for the ac to come back on, I wish for autumn's glory.
People take simple things about seasons for granted too much. They think there's nothing special about them, and they really don't pay attention to them other than having to change their wardrobe in accordance. Oh, I love autumn.
Christmas lovers around here will already be getting excited. Things will be getting more cloudy and wet, with frequent blistering days that will peter out by the end of the month. Despite the summer-hot days, the humidity will drop dramatically and the nights start cooling with lows in the 50's instead of the 60's and 70's. By the middle of the month, the lush emerald leaves will start to change, and by the end, delicately gilt foilage will be seen almost everywhere. I will gladly welcome the days of non-hazy mountains and blustery days as the month ages. If all goes well, we'll be going to New York, then down to Virginia Beach for the spectacular closing of the Neptune Festival.
The brightness of the foilage will gradually increase, and the days will be filled with cloudless, cobalt-colored skies and dazzling leaves. Other days will show paler skies with great clouds that are rushing past in high winds and resemble torn wool, and yet there will still be relatively hot days. I should be finished with a lot of the Christmas preparations by then, and finishing applying for my college grant (unless destiny chooses another path for me). I should also be applying for a job. I'll greatly enjoy days of putting on snuggly sweaters and drinking season-appropriate hot drinks, and sleeping very comfortably on the ever-colder nights.
Before the middle of the month approaches, everything will be lain bare and the grass will be dead and golden-brown due to the first heavy frost. I'll trim back the Japanese holly bushes, and put flannel sheets on my bed. The intense inner peace and contentment I feel in autumn will still be riding its high as Thanksgiving approaches, which, as it will be held at Amanda's house again this year, will yield Christmas excitement because her street will have beautiful holiday light displays hanging from the streetlights and will be turned on at dusk. The day after the traditional Macy's parade on tv and the grateful get-together out of the coldness, it will be time to start decorating for Christmas.
I realized something tonight, as I happened to look at myself in the mirror in my bathroom. I'm not nearly as pale and drawn as I was last summer. I walk taller, my chin up, my body much healthier from the inside out. My skin is no longer dry and ashen with constant worry and imperfect health; it's golden and literally shimmers, and my face has a lot of color to it. I've got my GED on my wall, with the marbelized black Valedictorian plaque beaming under it, I'm trying my hardest to overcome my MASSIVE fear of driving, and I know that my life is slowly getting somewhere. I no longer hate myself, I no longer feel low on myself all the time, I no longer feel like this young life of mine is worthless. Spurts of anger, impatience, and frustration are extremely short-lived now. My tears have greatly lessened, and instead of crying nearly every day like I was at this time last year, I hardly cry at all unless I'm missing Trevor and my best friend Jonathan. Womanhood has set in, making me much more wise, mature, and intuitive than I was before. More intelligent, more confident, more determined.
I know, and I know it with a pleasant little leap of happiness, that I will enjoy every second of this autumn and Christmas season. I'm a different person than I was last year...much different. I swore to last year, but just couldn't, because I was swallowed by waves of my own damn depression and hopelessness. I found it terrible that I couldn't enjoy the month of December at all.
I will damn well stay connected to my childhood this season, too. Watch holiday movies I haven't seen since childhood. Bake for my family and have Becky help me, so she can grow the same simple yet precious memories that I have. Just get lost in the joys and excitement of everything, including the biggest joy.
Struggling to just hand God the reins of my life was the best thing I could have possibly done. Look how He's taken care of me.
So, to end this amazingly long entry, what's left of this year is precious to me, and I will enjoy it, and I will have fun without bringing myself down, dammit! :)